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berlyyy


vanilla twilight ♥

if my heart was a house, you'd be home.


Contemplating death
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berlyyy
Have you ever just thought to yourself one day, "I could just die today and no one would really miss me."

It's gotten to that point in my life where my parents basically think I'm worthless - no career prospects, obese, ugly. I suppose I'm doomed to be a worthless spinster that no one wants, not even my own family.

I'm not trying to gain sympathy, that's just how I feel about myself. I get along well with my mother most of the time, but when we start talking about my future, she just ends up yelling. She yells and she yells and she yells, and I always laugh at how overdramatic the situation becomes, but when I'm alone in my room, I cry. I cry and I cry and I cry because I know I'm a big disappointment to her. My father becomes condescending whenever he talks to me, telling me that it's good that I'm washing the dishes, that doing little things will build up my self confidence. Firstly, what self confidence? Secondly, the fact that he's praising me over household chores shows how pathetic I am, that there's nothing else about me worth mentioning except the fact that I can get my hands dirty every once in awhile.

My brother loves me out of obligation - because we're related, he has to. With the big age difference between us, we've never been close. I'm not even sure he'll care very much if something serious happened to me. I wouldn't blame him - I'm not a great sister. Our personalities don't mesh well, I don't even think we're friends. There's nothing to miss. Our relationship is built around the fact that we have to play nice with one another, because we only have each other as siblings. We get along better via text messaging than in person. Whenever we're around each other, it always seems like he doesn't want to be around me.

I suppose my friends might grief for a short period of time. Though in saying that, if I think the people I'm related to by blood won't really be bothered, it would be strange of me to say that my friends, people who have no relation to me whatsoever, would be upset.

I'm really hurting, but no one wants to listen.

I think the loneliest feeling is when you're in your room by yourself, crying your heart out.

I could just get into my car and drive into a tree. I could get a knife from the kitchen. I could smother myself with my pillow.

I'm really sorry I'm such a disappointment to everyone. I really thought one day I would make you proud, but now I'm not sure anymore. I honestly would rather die than see disappointment on your faces again.

When will things get better?

Rainin' on my parade
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berlyyy

Please stop. You're hurting me. You're hurting all of us.

I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I'm really, really sad.


Detachment
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berlyyy
"I still don't know if this is a good quality or a bad one, to be able to be in the moment and then step out of it. Not just during sex, or while talking, or kissing. I don't deliberately pull away - I don't think I do - but I find myself suddenly there on the outside, unable to lose myself in where I am. You catch me sometimes. You'll say I'm drifting off, and I'll apologise, trying to snap back to the present.

But I should say this:
Even when I detach, I care. You can be separate from a thing and still care about it. If I wanted to detach completely, I would move my body away. I would stop the conversation midsentence. I would leave the bed. Instead, I hover over it for a second. I glance off in another direction. But I always glance back at you."

- David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary 
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"I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction."
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berlyyy

Sometimes I think that Bill Watterson was a very, very wise man.


Life goes on, it gets so heavy
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berlyyy


"Stay hungry, stay foolish."
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berlyyy

I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that Steve Jobs is dead.

It is the end of an era. Apple was so lucky to have someone like him in their company (Hell, he discovered the company) and I am so grateful he invented all those Apple products.

Rest In Peace, Steve Jobs. You will be missed in the world. And thank you for this inspirational speech you made in 2005.


Transient beauty
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berlyyy
At my house, we have a garden. A rather large one in fact that my mother absolutely loves to frolick around in. Every evening after work, she would go out to the garden and either pick flowers for the various vases lying about in the house or she would nurture and look after the different flowers around. She says it's therapeutic. I, on the other hand, enjoy looking at the garden, but not the physical labour. Unlike her, I find it stressful, as opposed to soothing. 

We have this magnificent crabapple tree at the back, and from the kitchen you have the perfect view of the tree. Like as if the previous owners strategically put the tree there so you can see it everyday, because everyone uses the kitchen at least once a day, right? It is currently in full bloom and looks quite like this (this photo was taken last year though):



I know. It's beautiful. I think so every year. 

Today I was looking at it whilst making a cup of coffee for myself, and perhaps I'm in a reflective and pensive mood today, but I thought about how beauty never lasts. It doesn't just apply to this tree, it applies to all the flowers in my garden as well. It's sad to see them wilt and die after a short period of time, but it's quite spectacular how they have the ability to resurrect themselves the following year. It could relate to the beauty in our lives as well. Happiness never lasts. 

Here's the question I've been wondering for a few hours now: is it because of the transient nature of the beauty around us, such as the flowers, and the beauty in our lives that helps us cherish it when the moment comes or when the flowers bloom? If we had it all the time, would we appreciate them? I would like to say that we as a human race would, but I would be lying to myself. We wouldn't appreciate it if it occurred all the time, I doubt we would even notice it because it would be a constant in our lives.

This realisation aches. It aches and burns and it hurts. We look for an all-consuming love, we look for neverending happiness, we look for everlasting beauty, but we only appreciate it because it comes for an incredibly short period of time. What does that say about us? 

The truth is, we don't deserve eternal beauty. Why should we have it if we won't treasure it? 

Benedict Cumberbatch, you sexy beast.
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berlyyy
 

This modern take on the Sherlock Holmes is BRILLIANT. Enough said.
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fond memories
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berlyyy

Today I went to my school's senior production of the comedy of errors. One word: hilarious. A dear friend Lucinda was in it and she was so funny, I could not stop laughing the whole time! She actually made the show brilliant. The plot was funny but her improvisations and dance moves and just everything made the play perfect!

Key moments:

- the scene with her character and Eva's character and she's trying to seduce Eva. Funniest thing ever, because of her overly-exaggerated male moves. Her hips. Classic.

- when someone takes her sword off her and she just goes "Dammit." and pouts. Love it.

- at the end when she tries to hand Emily Austin who plays her twin brother her chain and she's all "this belongs to you" and as she takes it off, realizes it's stuck to her shirt and goes "wait no it's attached to me" and everyone just watches for two minutes as she attempts to unhook the chain from her shirt. I nearly died with laughter, it was so funny.

- ALL HER IMPROVISATION AND DANCE MOVES. Her improv was funny because she would be speaking Shakespearean half the time, then randomly in normal English, and it's really obvious when it's normal English rather than Shakespearean. "let's get our.. Stuff and go on the.. Boat" hahahaha.

Oh Lucinda my friend, you are my idol. Thank you for making my night so great. I love you so very much! and of course to everyone else in the play, you were all perfectly wonderful and splendid and it was a fabulous show. I am so glad I went to watch it.


when you try your best but you don't succeed
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berlyyy
 I don't usually cry in front of people unless we're in the cinemas, but this year I've cried in front of people so many times, its embarrassing.
 
Midyear results came out today.
 
I've never been more disappointed in myself until now.
 
I just want to cry and cry and cry myself to sleep, truthfully. 

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